Jan 282016
 



ALT TEXT

Aussie Cyril

Aussie Cyril is the only photographer from that first Shanghai Art Nude Photographers session to email me a photo of this copy I did of a pose I call ‘plank woman’, famously painted by artist Euan Uglow.

I wake up sticky. So humid, even in October.
    ‘At last! Good morning.’ Bel is setting down a mug of green tea beside my bed. ‘It’s eleven thirty. I thought I’d better tell them you can do this afternoon’s session because they only meet once a month.’
    ‘What? Who? What time? Yikes! Second full day in China and I’m already modelling!’
    ‘It’s Shanghai Art Nude Photographers’ Group. You’ll need that network to build up bookings. I’m sure you’ll get some one-to-one sessions out of it.’
    ‘God, I hope they don’t mind these.’ I hold out my blotched arms – the night’s mosquito bites.
    But Bel is focused on her iPad.
    I scramble for the bathroom. ‘So what will they want? I mean, how does it work? Should I take some ideas?’
    Silence. I see she’s engrossed in The Guardian newspaper online.
    ‘Think I’ll quickly print off some poses, see if they’d like me to copy them. Egon Schiele and Lucien Freud…’ (no response from Bel) ‘…Could try some of the notorious Euan Uglow poses that reputedly hurt his models. The great thing about photographic modelling is, you don’t need to hold a pose for very long.’
    A few minutes later Bel calls to me through the bathroom door. ‘I’ll help you set up a ‘qq’ email account before we go out so you can give out a contact address that works. Your gmail account won’t work here. Google’s blocked. Yahoo is sometimes blocked. They’ve started messing up Hotmail. All the non-Chinese servers get problems. It’s easier to just give up and use the state-controlled one.’

Later, Bel leads me by the hand through the crowds. My second full-on blast of city life: from demolition site to half-built tower-block complex, lace-necked cranes rotating high above chaotic slums, to space-age subway, to old-world tree-shaded French Concession – and always, the seething masses that I can barely separate out into persons. Exhausting – physically, psychologically.

‘…So I finish teaching at six – I’ll see you in the flat. Cyril says he’ll help you get a taxi. Show the driver this card. Hope it’s good!’ Bel leaves me with the men.
    Yes – all men. Why am I not surprised? An exotic mix of races and accents aged from mid-twenties to retirement. Australian Cyril – rotund, elderly – introduces me to the rest: Jacques from Brussels, Fei Mo Di (how come he has a cut-glass English accent?), several other orientals who may or may not be Chinese, a Kiwi, two with north American twangs but probably not US nationals… How to place these people? All I know is, each is successful enough to afford amazing photographic kit, and from a background that has enabled them to speak good English. There is only one familiar type: a man with wife-kidsatuni-earlyretired-doing-abitof-consultancy written all over him before he jovially opens his mouth.
    ‘Mike Little from Swindon, for my sins! How d’you do.’
    ‘I’m Suki. Hi.’ I drop my rucksack and, to avoid some kind of big de-robing moment, instantly pull off my dress and wander about. Sweat beads on my ribby chest and runs down my inner thighs. I wipe off my face. The tissue turns grey: a fine paste made of humidity and pollution has coated my skin.
    The photographers are already in a horseshoe, some with tripods, leaving a big open area in which I can work. The deal is, they’ll each email me their best pics from the session.
     Aussie Cyril, portly, avuncular, opens his arms as though preparing for a bear-hug. ‘We’ve all agreed to let the new model take the lead.’
    So I show them the Schiele, Freud and Uglow poses I’ve printed off. There is courtesy, humour, and lots of movement – both on my part, and on the part of the enthusiastically snapping voyeurs. And certainly no pain.
    Do I fancy any of them?
    Do any of them fancy me?
    Do they do shoots like this with male models?


 

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Jan 212016
 



8 Bel A13 (9210a) (550x640)

Bel

On my first morning in China, Bel snaps me the moment I sit up in bed.


    ‘Ni hao.’ Gravely Bel hands me a cup of green tea.
    ‘Bloody hell I’m in Shanghai!’ I pinch my own arm, laugh, a bit over-hearty; watch this strangely colourless, solemn woman, quite tall, average build, shoulder-length unstyled grey-flecked hair…
    Are the best photographers this nondescript kind, the type of personality who manages to be fly-on-the-wall, invisible?
    Bel is shoving apart the rickety sliding screens to the balcony.
    ‘Are they supposed to prevent mosquitos getting in?’ I show my blotchy arms. Alongside our beds – two singles jammed side by side in this teeny room – is an untidy stack of books. ‘Hey, wow, these are all on Lee Miller – I’ve just read her biography!’
    Bel, texting on the balcony, only nods – wordless, grey; the world beyond her also grey: scaffolded half-built tower blocks, pylons, more tower blocks, then the exotic silhouettes in the hazy distance of some of the world’s most awesome skyscrapers. Is Bel secretly texting a friend Jeezus why did I invite Suki here?
    Is there a sun, somewhere up above?
    What the hell am I doing here?
    Don’t panic. This must be ‘culture-shock’. Smile! I grab and flick through the first book off the pile.
    Bel comes back in, brings her i-Pad over and props it up on my shrouded knees. She points at the on-screen graph. ‘The government issues warnings when the Air Quality Index rating is over 100. Today looks like a good day; see – pollution report “moderate”. AQI only 79. “Respiratory symptoms will only be experienced by people with unusual sensitivities”.’
    ‘God!’ My exclamation comes out with undue force. ‘Everyone warned me about the pollution. Have you got “unusual sensitivities”?’
    ‘Dunno really. I’ve been coughing a lot. It’s worse in other places; they say breathing Beijing’s air is the equivalent of smoking forty fags a day. But it’s bad here. Watch.’
    She puts her palm down flat on the floor tiles, sweeps it sideways, shows me her upturned hand, the film of black smut. ‘It’s there every day, you can’t keep on top of it.’ Then she takes the book from my hand. ‘Ah yes – this one’s interesting because this woman Conekin talks about the dichotomies that underlie fashion photography – like, active-passive, male-female – which at first struck me as anachronistic; I mean surely they no longer apply in the 21st century?…’
    I blink. Is that a rhetorical question? Am I going to get breakfast?
    ‘…but now I think maybe they still hold true; I mean, there’s still this primitive Adam-and-Eve dynamic going on in the photographer-model relationship; well, in lots of spheres really…’
    Bel is – it’s weird – talking as though I’m not really there. More like, she’s addressing students in a lecture hall. Is she uncomfortable being one-to-one with someone? In her own home?
    ‘…but the great thing about Lee Miller is, she subverted all of that – even back in the 1920s and ‘30s – by being both model and photographer, and by being so assertive and free…’ Suddenly she stops, and for a single moment, her face shines. ‘It’s so great you’ve come!’
    Phew. That means she’s okay with me being here, right?

We set off to meet Lily Hong for breakfast in the staff canteen. Bel has fallen into her default mode of solemnity again. ‘The food in Shanghai is good,’ she offers, addressing not me but the footpath, ‘as long as you mentally blot out that food safety checks are corrupt, obviously. No point worrying about absolutely everything.’
    I am led beneath the shade of ornamental trees across the new-built grandiose faux-European college campus to the canteen.
    Lily Hong is waiting like an excited puppy dog, a pink bow in her hair. ‘Please take fried jaozi. Foreigners like very much.’ Beam. Squeeze of my arm. ‘I like your hairs.’ A pat on my head. She’ll be licking my ankles next. Lily Hong definitely alleviates the atmosphere.
    I think of having a laugh and a drink with my upstairs neighbour Tiffany back home. Being alone with Bel is no joke.
    I don’t know if I can hack it.


 

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Jan 142016
 



ALT TEXT

Bel

From Bel’s website. I don’t believe this is (as Ilka would have it) evidence of Bel “having a fixation” on me.

Berlin Schönefeld Airport. End-of-September rain.
    ‘Welcome on board.’ The air hostess smiles, looking at me curiously. My eyes are still swollen from crying.
    My flight is with Aeroflot. Cheap. Over-long. Thirteen hours to contemplate my fate.
    On my lap is my half-read biography of Lee Miller, “Man Ray’s muse” in the 1930s. In the month since my epiphanic Shibari session, and in view of the project Bel wants to carry out, I’ve been googling Art Nude photography, and have thus collected interesting reading-matter for my new adventure.
    We taxi down the runway.
    First I will prime myself by watching Mr. Right-On New Man John Berger’s 1972 TV series Ways of Seeing. The Youtube review says it “challenged and changed a whole nation”. Berger famously said “women watch themselves being looked at”, as in, women are taught to think of themselves as always on view. But this is the 21st century. Men, too, are on view now – aren’t they? I have uploaded all four episodes onto my i-Pad. I put in my earphones…

Moscow airport. Awaiting my connection I check emails. One from Ilka already! My eyes well up again, but it turns out to be annoying.

Just visited Bel’s website. She got fixation on yu, see pics on homepage. Be worried.

Dear Ilka, Yes, tankyu 4 askin, journey going fine. Re Bel’s pics of me – they from when she made those film shorts, just by-products. Im not her focus. See her intrestin Shanghai blog. Hav nice day.

I’m being made to defend Bel. Is Ilka jealous?
    Last leg. Moscow to Shanghai. The plane is taxi-ing.
    Clunk. Seatbelt on. I stick my nose back into the biography. Lee Miller was only Man Ray’s lover or so-called ‘muse’ for three years – so why does it seem to be her main claim to fame? Frivolous model, or professional photographer? Despite her son’s posthumous promotion of her photographic and journalistic achievements, it seems images of her are more known than images by her.
    Zzz… zzz…

Shanghai Pudong Airport. Sudden overwhelming humid heat. China. Fuck. Fuck.
    Long sleek black hair… Short skirts… Smooth slender legs… Who would ever give a man a second look? Bel could surely get some gorgeous skinny Chinese woman for this project. Why does she want me?
    Eventually, at the other side of a striped barrier, I see her. Creased linen shirt and slacks. Hot and sticky. Every bit the pasty British expat teacher.
    I don’t feel attracted to her. I just don’t. Ought I to?
    The awkwardness of having to work out how to greet each other is avoided – thank god – by the gushing of a pretty, beaming young girl:
    ‘Welcome you! My name is Miss Lily Hong’ – she holds out her name-card to me with both hands. ‘Assistant vice-manager Foreign Affairs Department.’
    ‘Hello – “Lily Hong”, was that? Ni Hao!’


 

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Jan 072016
 



ALT TEXT

Bel

Bel took this photo for the cover of my poetry collection Thin Bones Like Wish-Bones. When I think about it, we’ve done a lot together. Maybe we are pretty good friends

Berlin to Shanghai – out of the frying pan into the fire?
    The night before I fly I am in my sleeping bag, nose-to-nose one last time with Ilka’s bookcase.
    I can’t sleep.
    I scan her books for something – anything – post-feminist; none of this po-faced anti-sex nonsense. Karen Kleinfelder’s tome has been replaced in its alphabetically rightful slot. I leaf through it again: maybe her erudition will helpfully put me to sleep.

‘…any representation that explicitly thematizes the act of representation is self-referential twice over, the act of representation playing a dual role as both signified and signifier.’

I used to have patience with this kind of academic writing, but it requires a kind of optimistic belief in our layers and layers of sophistication as humans. Doesn’t age and maturity bring the realisation we’re simply animals?

Or is it only me? Getting lazy in my old age?

‘…Situated at the point of intersection between these two co-ordinates is the image, precariously balanced between the formal configuration and the enframing metafiguration…’

Zzz…zzz…
    But then a footnote wakes up my brain: Kleinfelder reacting to another academic’s opinion that flies in the face of her own thesis that Picasso‘s act of painting equates with the sex act. Lise Vogel benignly suggests that Picasso ‘has a certain sensitivity to the nature of contemporary social and sexual relations’.
    ‘Traitor!’ cries Kleinfelder (my précis). Then Vogel offends Karen even more, directly ridiculing feminists who say men’s creative work ‘is essentially equivalent to sex from the standpoint of a man, with the ever-present implication that such endeavours are perhaps not quite so valuable, so virile, as a good fuck.’
    ‘How dare you let Picasso and all these other bastards off the hook!’ yells Kleinfelder (My paraphrase again).
    For god’s sake, Karen, men are men. Let them be.
    Have I become an anti-feminist?
    Whatever. I use a pen lying on the bookshelf to mark the text so that Ilka might one day be entertained by it.

    ‘Are you defacing my book?’
    ‘Ilka! God – you made me jump! No, not defacing. Just asterisking some bollocks.’
    Ilka grins, ‘Still wanting to educate me,’ yet looks deeply sad. She flops onto my sleeping-bagged feet. Her raincoat is wet. Her hand lands on the hump of my knee.
    ‘Thought you were staying over in Leipzig! Why have you come home?’
    ‘Because it’s the end of our story. Because we have to say goodbye. Because I’m worried about you. Because we’re both going to be lonely again.’
    ‘Get this’ – I tap the page I’m on: ‘even though Kleinfelder concedes Picasso’s images present a little bit more ambivalence than simply the – quote – “familiar theme of art-as-creative-rape-of-the-model,” she’s got this fixation that his entire approach is about likening creativity to sex, from a man’s standpoint.’ I look up. ‘My question is, why is that actually a problem?’
    Ilka takes me by the shoulders. ‘You’re such a crap listener.’
    Will she – for once – give me a good shaking? Lay down the law? Isn’t that what I need?
    But then she lets go again. Looks at her hands. ‘Are you going to have one of your so-called “fling-ettes” with Bel?’
    ‘I’m going to Shanghai to write my novel.’
    ‘Why can’t you just stay still and love somebody? Relationships are hard work. You have to stick at them. Please, Suki. Change your mind. Please.’


 

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Dec 312015
 



ALT TEXT

Bel

Bel took this pic while we were making the movie Suki’s Life Room.

‘She fancies you, right?’
    I am ramming underwear into my suitcase’s remaining nooks and crannies. ‘Ha ha. Dunno if she’s even a dyke.’
    ‘She wouldn’t have invited you otherwise.’
    ‘She wants me for an Art Nude photographic project.’
    ‘Photography isn’t Art.’
    ‘I can’t believe you said that! The “photography isn’t Art” debate is anachronistic, tired and anyway stupid.’ (Pause) ‘Okay I just read that in The Guardian. But it’s what I think.’
    Ilka is in hard-line mode. ‘As Susan Sontag said, paintings and drawings of an image are considered to be interpretations whereas photographed images are viewed as miniatures of reality. i.e. documentary, not Art.’
    ‘I read that article of hers. I think you’ll find she goes on to say that photos are still interpretations, shaped by the photographer’s own taste.’ I will win this argument. I fetch the book from the top of the fridge where it got tidied to, turn to the article and read:

‘In deciding how a picture should look; in preferring one exposure to another, photographers are always imposing standards on their subjects. The 1930s photographers of the ‘Farm Security Administration’… blah blah blah… took dozens of pictures of their sharecropper subjects until satisfied with the precise facial expression that supported their own notions about poverty, light, dignity, texture, exploitation, and geometry…’

    ‘Whatever, Suki. As far as I’m concerned, photography is just another imposition of male supremacy and control.’
    ‘That comment is straight from the joyless, outdated feminism of your bookcase. Look at Lee Miller – she was totally liberated as a model! Right back in, like, 1920! Like, totally free in her sexual behaviour and attitudes. Multiple lovers and stuff. Polyamorous. I mean, even nowadays most people are possessively monogamous, but she wasn’t. Polyamory is still even today associated with kink rather than being what the mainstream wants.’
    Stony silence from Ilka.
    I persist in having the final word. Even though it’s stupid. ‘That ‘male gaze’ theory, the one that says all the looking in the world is from men’s viewpoint and for their exclusive pleasure – it’s so 1970s. It’s so over.’
    Ilka is now by the door. ‘Suki, I’ve got an overnight in Leipzig again. A work thing. So I won’t be here when…’
    ‘Good. Coz we hate goodbyes, don’t we.’
    The door closes behind her.
    Tsk. She has never once stood up to me.

…Does Bel fancy me?


 

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Dec 242015
 



ALT TEXT

Janey Walklin

This finely-detailed mono-print shows artist and model – Janey and me – juxtaposed, similar to a whole series of Picasso’s late work. Of which feminist academic Karen Kleinfelder writes: ‘…the overwhelming carnality or physicality about his late paintings in particular [prove that the model] remains from start to finish the object of the […] male gaze […] motivated by his “macho” need to affirm the power of his own penetrating gaze over the female figure, [his gaze thus taking on] an explicitly phallic connotation.’ Dur.

I am in my sleeping bag on Ilka’s sofa, face pushed up against her book-case. Betty Friedan, Germaine Greer, Anais Nin, Laura Mulvey, Simone de Beauvoir’s Das Andere Geschlecht, Sexism and God-talk, Was Wollen die Frauen? by Susie Orbach and Luise Eichenbaum, Fear of Flying. I pick out one by Karen Kleinfelder because it was published in 1993, two decades on from some of those old-hat feminists.
    It turns out to be a criticism of Picasso’s way of relating to the model. It is poppycock. A total throw-back to the 1970s ‘male gaze’ debate initiated by Laura Mulvey, a debate that Bel and I recently explored in the performance piece we made, just after we met. Well – maybe not that recently, when I think about it… God, was that four years ago aleady?
    Tamara (my last crazy flingette before I came to Berlin) hammered into me – being the domineering type – that the ‘male gaze’ theory is well dead. If models suffer vis-a-vis their artist employers, the gender relationship isn‘t the crux of the problem. Inter-personal relationships are absolutely – said Tamara – about power, but nowadays we are likely to have chosen our dominant or submissive roles, no longer hidebound by the old social conventions of male-female relating.
    Above the bookcase, Ilka has hung an original print showing artist and model – Janey Walklin and me – juxtaposed. When the artist-voyeur of the female model is also female, is that still problematic? Would Kleinfelder define my relationship with Janey as one of sexual domination and submission?
    Can I be bothered with this nonsense any more?

Ping!
    I was almost asleep. It’s Bel, answering my hyper-enthusiastic Shanghai here I come!

Great! Want 2 photograph u, explore some ideas. Been thinkin of dis 4 ages, I did Art Nude photog at Slade tho ended up photo-journalist (hence teachin photog/media here). Big Lee Miller fan – final-yr thesis ws abt her – she gets lost in Man Ray’s shadow

So Bel’s invite is because she wants to photograph me!

Why not a lovely Chinese girl? She must have students?

And who is Lee Miller? I remember vaguely, one time when Bel and I were both in London, getting a surprise text inviting me to go with her to a Lee Miller exhibition somewhere or other. But I was busy.
    I search on my i-Pad. One of the most stunningly beautiful, liberated women of the 20th century. Fashion model. Art Nude model. Genius. Alcoholic. Depressive. Free-thinker. Liberated. Too liberated: she posed for an advert for sanitary towels in 1929 that ruined her fashion-modelling career. Also fashion photographer, and – aha! – war photographer.

Was it Lee Miller who inspired Bel to go as a photo-journalist to Afghanistan?


 

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Dec 172015
 



ALT TEXT

Hong Kong Ron

Another photo from my amazing Shibari bondage session here in Berlin. The whole new world of Art Nude photography beckons…

Ping – a text. Tamara! Our first contact since the bondage session she so masterfully set up.

Pics show u likd it. My man Ron & rigger more attentive to yr wellbeing than fcking artists yes? Overt & honest D/s. Fab.

I shoot off my answer.

Yes, very fab. Plannin return to UK. Yu still require live-in maid?

Bugger. Soz. Jus movd in wid sick father, ex astronaut, 86, Guernsey. Cancer, prognos 6 mths, cd b 2 yrs, he fights! I love my dad. Precious time. My needs 2nd place.

Despondent homeward tram-ride through Prenzlauerberg‘s autumnal September night. My evening booking has been in an old-established Wohngemeinschaft – a commune of anarchist artists with a fabled historical link to Bader-Meinhof – in a squatted former bread factory near Hackescher Markt. Their “studio” is the cellar – unheated, damp, gothic, mausoleum-esque – whose white-tiled vaulted caverns stretch labyrinthine under the railway…
    I turned blue with cold, but that lot were too up themselves to notice. I hate my life.

Aldi Supermarkt on the ground floor of Ilka’s building offers a procrastinatory distraction. I pick up the cheap Sonderangebot champagne – the cause of my belly’s repulsive bulge. Mentally I revisit the Cafe Dezember’s specially-equipped basement. Suspended on a handmade rope from the 19th century ceiling I slowly spin. Helpless. Ecstatic.
    Finally I drag myself up the stairs to Ilka’s apartment. To Ilka.

    ‘Shanghai?’
    ‘I’m sorry I ever came to Berlin.’
    ‘You’d stay with that weird photographer woman?…’
    ‘Be honest, Ilka: it hasn’t worked out. This second attempt.’
    ‘…the one who barely speaks!’
    ‘I’m not managing to write here.’
    ‘You don’t know anything about her…’
    ‘Bel and I get on very well. We made all those film shorts together.’
    ‘You think she’s got undiagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.’
    ‘We’ve all got our issues. Look – I’m not doing anything here.’
    ‘You are! You’ve been modelling!’
    ‘I’m not writing.’
    ‘But you’ve only been here three months.’ Ilka pulls off her coat and hat, sets down her briefcase, slumps at the kitchen table. ‘You’d be running away again.’
    ‘I’m losing sight of my raison d’etre. It’s making me scared. And I’m getting fat.’
    Silence.
    ‘So anyway… I’ll be sleeping on the sofa tonight.’ I hate myself for upsetting her. ‘Want some champagne? There’s an opened one in the fridge.’

I realise I haven’t even acknowledged Bel’s text.

    SHANGHAI HERE I COME more details pls!


 

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Dec 102015
 



ALT TEXT

Anton Büller

At my afternoon session in Prenzlauerberg, an obese artist paints me huge-bellied. Bastard – leaning over his grotesque gut to reach his canvas. But the artist beside him is worse, copying the drawing method of tediously mechanical Euan Uglow, who in turn honed his technique (according to a thing I read by Adrian Searle ) under the tutelage of equally anal William Coldsteam. These are guys who compute the information the eye receives in order to reproduce the human form with the technical precision of a surveyor’s plotlines. Passionless.

Come on a 3-month tourist visa in first instance, stay in this flat w/ me (uni campus) & write. I cn get you plenty cash-in-hand wrk as Art Nude photographic model, eg Shanghai Art Nude Grp. No more 2-hr poses in freezing Berlin cellars! Bel

I’m at the breakfast table, still in shock, re-reading Bel’s text. Shanghai!!! God, it would be amazing. And her promise of photographic work is uncanny, because one thing I realised in last night’s session is that contemporary Art Nude photography is not necessarily blokes photographing gorgeous birds naked. Was it ever?
    But… Bel. This weird photographer woman. She’s really nice but she barely speaks. We got friendly due to her project making fly-on-the-wall docu-movies of artists at work in life-rooms where I had bookings. But not that friendly… What do I know about her? Her website says she used to be a photo-journalist in places like Afghanistan, but that career seems to have abruptly ended. A bad experience? A nervous breakdown? I think she’s got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or something. I once spotted her leaving my psychotherapist’s office as I was on my way in.
    And how old is she – fifty? Older? Early-retired? Her photography blog divulges nothing about family, hometown, partners, early life…
    Why invite me? Does she consider us close?

Hey – an email from Hong Kong Ron! You can view the photos from last night via Dropbox.    Dozens of images… I prop my iPad on the table for a good browse. Shifting aside Ilka’s current reading-matter, some words of an article by Susan Sontag (late partner of fantastic New York photographer Annie Leibowicz) leap out at me:

To photograph something is to appropriate it.’

Yawn. Feminist analysis is so single-track. Hong Kong Ron’s images are sensual, sexy; but that doesn’t mean he has ‘claimed ownership’ of me. There is texture, geometry, intricacy. They portray submission, trust, intimacy, ecstasy, pain, beauty. They are Art.

Why did Tamara set this up? She must still want me! I was the one who ended (by running off to Berlin) our brief flingette: a hedonistic riot of sex – her dominating, me submitting – and laughter, conducted in the windows her crazy schedule allowed. Tumultuous fun and pleasure – which is of course not sustainable in a long-term relationship.
    Or could it be?

Afternoon. My weekly session at the Volkshochschule. I get into pose, and into my head. First thought: why am I once again submitting myself to being mapped; turned into an architect’s plan? Whereas being photographed last night felt so sympathetic. That, too, was submission – to the rigger, and to the photographer. Yet the Master and Hong Kong Ron were humane towards me – to my body – in a way that many artists are not.
    But on to more pressing matters. I must urgently consider my three options:

1) stay in Berlin with Ilka. Get fatter. Get more depressed. Never have a laugh. Never write again.
2) Shanghai! Amazing… But I think Bel’s got issues, and I’m rubbish at dealing with mental health (scares me).
3) Return to UK. Write books living with Tamara. Let her dominate me, tell me what to do (I need that); make me shut up and listen (no mean feat), kneel at her feet, obey her… I love all that. Maybe “fun” really can be permanent!


 

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Dec 032015
 



ALT TEXT

Hong Kong Ron

Shibari is a Japanese artistic form of rope bondage originating in an ancient martial art for the restraint of captives. The master who tied me up in this and other poses last night (hired by Tamara) was brilliant. A real expert.

PART I    Berlin, late September

Last night’s epiphany is making me face facts.
    Trying to patch things up with Ilka these last three months has been desolate. The truth is, my Berlin adventure has gone pear-shaped.
    So has my body.
    That’s why I can’t write – even with Überagent Victoria Herz of Brown and Herz Literary Agency champing at the bit for my second novel. Just thinking about my unfinished manuscript makes me shrivel up and open another bloody bottle of champagne.
    And Acquiescent Ilka lets me.

As for the life-modelling that earns my crust, I’ve had it up to here. Berlin’s artists are as up themselves as British ones.
    Why do people want to draw me – a fellow creature – naked, subdued, uncomfortable in an arduously lengthy pose? Is it after all, as the Po-faced Feminists would have it, exploitation? Abuse?

The problem isn’t about being naked. I’m talking about the lack of heed for the model’s wellbeing.
    Whereas last night’s session was something else. A different kind of artist; a different kind of art. A careful, controlled way of relating. Yes – care-ful. Full of care.
    Though the Po-faced Fs would have kittens.
    It was so out-of-the-blue. At six pm I took an international call – my ex-flingette, Tamara, in Leeds.
    ‘Get yourself to Szredski Strasse a.s.a.p, Cafe Dezember. Go straight down to the basement. I’ve booked you a session with a Shibari bondage master.’
    You have to submit to Tamara. Everyone does.
    Turns out Tamara was paying the photographer (her pal Ron from Hong Kong) to send her the pictures.

Thank god Ilka is in Leipzig with her work. Bondage would appal her. Because Ilka’s a hard-liner: men subdue women. The patriarchy spoils her day. Her position has remained immutable these twenty years. She’s stuck in the ‘eighties Women’s Movement past. Whereas I became male-curious. They are interesting. For instance, the most common cause of death for men under fifty is suicide. We women think we’ve got problems? Men have certainly got problems.

Already so many impossible things before breakfast. Then – ping! A text.
    Wow – it’s from Bel. How long has it been?

And what a proposal!

An epiphanic night, and now this! Are the gods intervening, on this September morning in Ilka’s sparse, frugal apartment off Prenzlauer Allee?


 

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